Ode to old people #2

They are old and lets be honest they are funny as hell!

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that's why I don't eat raisins.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says, "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back, '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit."

They dont like us either  ;)

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, That must be the door, I'll get it! 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.

This is why I stopped going to the farmers market. 

 

The Knock Knock joke...

The knock Knock joke is an all time classic, with millions of variables. It is also one of the first jokes kids learn to tell because of the simple premise.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go moo!

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Spell.

Spell who?

OK, W_H_O.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Bless you and please cover your mouth next time.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry, it's just a joke.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Ice cream!

Ice cream who?

Ice cream if you don't let me in!

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Noah.

Noah who?

Noah way to open the door?

Mitch Hedberg - Round 2

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.


This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"


I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.


I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."


My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, hey, hold on fellas! Lemme hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.


I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.




If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.


I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good."


I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's.




By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spec-tac-u-lar." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame? ... It's a street! It's a way...to open shit!

What the song is all about.

Bill Engvall - Here's Your Sign

Bill has made a career out of the stupid statements people make... I love his work and have used a few of these in my every day life... especially when the gold fish needs to go for a walk....


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hangar halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign.


It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

Bass Stringer

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor.
The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?"
I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."


I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
 I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."


I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am SOAKED. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign"

Look closely at this picture... 

Bill Cosby

- "Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

- A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice.

- The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

- Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

- A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

- I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.

- Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

- Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

- My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

- Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

- I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

- No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The teacher shouts, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday!"


Who does not love Cliff Huxtable.

Jerry Seinfeld

The thing that made people love Jerry Seinfeld is that his jokes were the same things your friends would say... but your friend could pull a funny one out every few weeks. Jerry rattled 'em off non stop. Even with his NY City Jew voice people still loved him across the country.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 


It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 


What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. 

Ya, he man-scapes.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." 


Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 


Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 


Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.


That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me 

the true true spirit of Christmas  ;)

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." 


According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. 


Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason 


The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." 


Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 


Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? 


People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

F'ing chimp is blowing the curve!

Mitch Hedberg - Round 1

Mitch passed away a few years ago but his comedy was strong enough that he is well remembered even after his passing. I am a HUGE Mitch fan so I will be doing several posts of his stuff.
      *When you read these, do so in the slow voice of a guy high on marijuana.



- You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

Someone else got it!

- My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
- On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

WTF!?

- I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
- My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
- I dressed up for the CD.
- I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
- When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

October 1948 - LIFE Magazine

- This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

*** EDIT This was supposed to auto post yesterday to cover for the fact that I was away... it did not  ;(