Ode to old people #2

They are old and lets be honest they are funny as hell!

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that's why I don't eat raisins.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says, "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back, '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit."

They dont like us either  ;)

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, That must be the door, I'll get it! 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.

This is why I stopped going to the farmers market. 

 

The Knock Knock joke...

The knock Knock joke is an all time classic, with millions of variables. It is also one of the first jokes kids learn to tell because of the simple premise.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go moo!

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Spell.

Spell who?

OK, W_H_O.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Bless you and please cover your mouth next time.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry, it's just a joke.

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Ice cream!

Ice cream who?

Ice cream if you don't let me in!

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Noah.

Noah who?

Noah way to open the door?

Mitch Hedberg - Round 2

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.


This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"


I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.


I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."


My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, hey, hold on fellas! Lemme hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.


I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.




If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.


I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good."


I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's.




By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spec-tac-u-lar." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame? ... It's a street! It's a way...to open shit!

What the song is all about.

Bill Engvall - Here's Your Sign

Bill has made a career out of the stupid statements people make... I love his work and have used a few of these in my every day life... especially when the gold fish needs to go for a walk....


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hangar halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign.


It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

Bass Stringer

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor.
The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?"
I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."


I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
 I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."


I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am SOAKED. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign"

Look closely at this picture... 

Bill Cosby

- "Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

- A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice.

- The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

- Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

- A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

- I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.

- Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

- Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

- My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

- Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

- I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

- No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The teacher shouts, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday!"


Who does not love Cliff Huxtable.

Jerry Seinfeld

The thing that made people love Jerry Seinfeld is that his jokes were the same things your friends would say... but your friend could pull a funny one out every few weeks. Jerry rattled 'em off non stop. Even with his NY City Jew voice people still loved him across the country.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 


It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 


What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. 

Ya, he man-scapes.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." 


Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 


Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 


Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.


That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me 

the true true spirit of Christmas  ;)

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." 


According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. 


Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason 


The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." 


Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 


Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? 


People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

F'ing chimp is blowing the curve!

Mitch Hedberg - Round 1

Mitch passed away a few years ago but his comedy was strong enough that he is well remembered even after his passing. I am a HUGE Mitch fan so I will be doing several posts of his stuff.
      *When you read these, do so in the slow voice of a guy high on marijuana.



- You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

Someone else got it!

- My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
- On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

WTF!?

- I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
- My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
- I dressed up for the CD.
- I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
- When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

October 1948 - LIFE Magazine

- This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

*** EDIT This was supposed to auto post yesterday to cover for the fact that I was away... it did not  ;(

You Might Be A Redneck If:

Rednecks are easy to make fun of because they are so different then anything else in the world.

He is their poster boy!

-None of your shirts cover your stomach.
-You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
-You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
-You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
-Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

-You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
-You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
-You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
-You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
-You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

I feel bad for the dog... 

-You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
-You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
-You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
-Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
-The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
-Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
-The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Sometimes you have to tell a good story:

A pair of best friends were out for a girls night out and had a great time! Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.


The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Ya...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Prison style

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Everyone loves a good strip club.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.


She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.


When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.


As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"


"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."


He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."


The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Happy mail man

Blonde jokes #2

So the premise is: blondes are unintelligent and promiscuous.
(That means Stupid and Slutty for all the blondes reading this)


Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?


Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.


Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Bondi Blonde Beer

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.


Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!


Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Don't worry, you will get it right sooner or later. 

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.


Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

And she tried so HARD!

Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes a little self depreciation can endear you to an audience, but you should never have them laughing AT you... Unless you are the undisputed king of the schleps.


What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!


I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back!


When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."


I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."


Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.


I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Yo Mama

Popularized by black youth in the 70s and 80s yo mama jokes have become a mainstay in the adolescent development process.

Yo mama so poor

Yo mama so stupid

The basis of a yo mama joke is that it is both disparaging and from the point of view of a 10 - 16 year old. You can often make these funnier by breaking out of this norm.

Stephen Hawking

Another nice trick is to bring in elements of pop culture:

Yo mama so easy

Just remember that in the end every boy loves his mama.

Religion is to polarizing of a topic to escape!

When ever something is supposed to be taken seriously you will find people making fun of it...


A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay." 
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure." 
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not." 
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"




An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."




Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the table. 
And the Frank said:
"Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"

School ties...

Good jokes should have a common location that people can relate to. Sitcom stands for Situation comedy, and the common location is the "Situation". Schools make for a great situation.

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."




A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.




An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"




One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!

Ode to old people #1

A old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the suburbs that happened to be near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment enjoying the cooler days that come with the end of summer.. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. 

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" 

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" 

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Friggen kids

Battle of the sexes part 2

Men generally feel nagged by their wives...  So the humor skews to that point... 
I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.


Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.


A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."


Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

This is how they reel us in... 

Characters...

One of the oldest forms of comedy is character driven comedy. This is where you take on the persona of a character and play it up to a fault. Groucho Marx,  Laurel and Hardy, crocodile Dundee, and my favorite:

Dos Equis Man

It is illegal to print his face on paper. It is considered legal tender in many pacific islands.

His mother has a tattoo on her arm that says "Son".

He has served as "Best Man" for grooms he's never met.

If he were to read you a bedtime story you would fall asleep. Forever.

He can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.

He can kill 4 birds with half of a stone, didn't know there was such a thing as half a stone? Neither did the birds.

If he were to sleep with your girlfriend, you would brag to your buddies.

His business card just says "I'll call you."

A cobra once bit his leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra finally died

He has recently confirmed rumors that he was the one who took the bite out of the Apple Logo.

He has won the Lifetime Achievement award... Twice.

He takes down deadly animals without weapons. He has a grizzly bear carpet in his room, the bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

Stay thirsty, my friends...

Battle of the Sexes, round 1

For my first follower, Jessica from Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
I give you the Battle of the Sexes, round 1


Rules for a woman:


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Ohh the Blondes...

Hey they  make these jokes for guys also!


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George."

The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down.

Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George."

The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.

A third time someone yells, "Hey, George."

Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."

A guy walks into a bar with a...

The magical bar, only this time the guy brings a prop!

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Ahhhhhh

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"


"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."


The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.


Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

Smile!