Good jokes should have a common location that people can relate to. Sitcom stands for Situation comedy, and the common location is the "Situation". Schools make for a great situation.
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Ode to old people #1
A old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the suburbs that happened to be near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment enjoying the cooler days that come with the end of summer.. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
 |
| Friggen kids |
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Battle of the sexes part 2
Men generally feel nagged by their wives... So the humor skews to that point...
I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
 |
| This is how they reel us in... |
Friday, June 3, 2011
Characters...
One of the oldest forms of comedy is character driven comedy. This is where you take on the persona of a character and play it up to a fault. Groucho Marx, Laurel and Hardy, crocodile Dundee , and my favorite:
Dos Equis Man
It is illegal to print his face on paper. It is considered legal tender in many pacific islands.
His mother has a tattoo on her arm that says "Son".
He has served as "Best Man" for grooms he's never met.
If he were to read you a bedtime story you would fall asleep. Forever.
He can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.
He can kill 4 birds with half of a stone, didn't know there was such a thing as half a stone? Neither did the birds.
If he were to sleep with your girlfriend, you would brag to your buddies.
His business card just says "I'll call you."
A cobra once bit his leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra finally died
He has recently confirmed rumors that he was the one who took the bite out of the Apple Logo.
He has won the Lifetime Achievement award... Twice.
He takes down deadly animals without weapons. He has a grizzly bear carpet in his room, the bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
 |
| Stay thirsty, my friends... |
Battle of the Sexes, round 1
For my first follower, Jessica from Lemons Don't Make Lemonade
I give you the Battle of the Sexes, round 1
Rules for a woman:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
I give you the Battle of the Sexes, round 1
Rules for a woman:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Ohh the Blondes...
Hey they make these jokes for guys also!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down.
Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.
A third time someone yells, "Hey, George."
Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down.
Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.
A third time someone yells, "Hey, George."
Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A guy walks into a bar with a...
The magical bar, only this time the guy brings a prop!
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
 |
| Ahhhhhh |
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
 |
| Smile! |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)