Sometimes we win

Men often come off bad in jokes, mostly because we deserve it. But every once in a while we win...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Winner!

The Smart Ass

AKA: The man with the quick whit that knows just what to say or do...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Sexy Stewardess 

Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.

He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parent’s bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a porn starlet - screaming all manner of things. 

The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love. 

The dad looked all over the house and couldn't find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandma's room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma, just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, "What the f*ck are you doing?" To which Johnny replied "It's not so much fun when it's your mom eh?"

ewwwwwww

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

Quickies

Everyone should memorize 5 - 10 of the "Quick Joke" type. These are great when you have a lull in a conversation right after someone tells a good joke. They don't have to even be that funny, it is the fact that you rattle off 4 in a row that makes them funny.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
   A stick.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
   Frostbite.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
   A nervous wreck.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
   Right where you left him.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
   Because they have big fingers.


What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
   Dam!


Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
   Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

6 of 100

Making fun of people who are differently able is never polite, but it is usually funny:

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely 
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's 
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," 
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs 
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest 
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just 
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Sports:

The world of sports, with its larger then life personalities, rabid fan base, and interesting terminology lead to a slew of great jokes.


There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. 

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" 

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral." 

Fans in Green Bay!

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."
   
"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

Married to Tom Brady of the NE Patriots

Long jokes.

Some times a joke needs more details, when telling this joke is it best done in person with a lot of physical motions to exaggerate the action as it is happening.

A young man was gifted a classic Harley Davidson motor bike from his favorite uncle. When he gave him the keys though the uncle also handed him a tube of Vaseline and told him that if the bike was ever going to get wet he had to put a touch of jelly on the spark plugs to keep them from corroding.

All proud of his new bike he rides it over to his girlfriend’s house. He gets there just in time for supper but she is not happy about it, she has never invited him over for a proper meal and he finds out why. Her family has a rule that who ever talks first during the meal has to clean up. But it gotten a bit out of control and no one has talked during a meal for over 2 years… there are pots and pans, plates and bowls, stacked everywhere in the kitchen and hall way, even spilling out into the dining room!

He goes in and sits down to a nice meal with his girl, her mother and father, but the quiet is very disconcerting for him so he reaches over and takes his girls hand. She glances at him and her father glares at him but no one says anything. Next he leans over and kisses his girl right on the lips, her eyes open in surprise and her father looks very unhappy but again not a word. He realizes that this family is full of nutters and decides to see how crazy they are!

So he reaches over and starts to rub his girls boobs, still nothing. He reaches up her dress and pulls down her panties, lifts her up on the table and starts shagging her right there on the table. The mother and father look away but stills say NOTHING! He goes at her for all he is worth, and she doesn’t let out a peep.

He lets go of her and she lays back on the table, he walks around to the other side of the table and lifts the mom up, she looks shocked but he quickly has her panties down and is going a mile a minute at her as well! Still they say nothing as he works the mom as hard as he did the daughter.

Suddenly he notices out the window a flash of lighting, and fearing rain , drops the mom onto the table next to her daughter and grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket.

“FINE ALLREADY! Ill do the dam dishes” Roared the father!

Dont get mad, get even.

Everyone likes it when the under dog wins, when the down trodden get to "get back at" their oppressors.

A grandfather and his grandson were sitting on the porch when the grandfather grabs a beer and begins to drink it.

The grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

“Well no,” said the grandson.

“Then you’re not old enough to have a beer.” said grandpa.

A few minutes later, the grandfather pulls out a cigar and lights it up.

Grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

“Can your dick touch your ass?” asks grandpa.

“No” said the grandson.

“Then you’re not old enough to have a cigar.”  

A little later the grandson comes walking out of the house with some cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey can I have a cookie?"

Grandson asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"

“Well, hell yeah”, said grandpa.

“Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!”

laugh old man, Laugh!