The Smart Ass

AKA: The man with the quick whit that knows just what to say or do...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Sexy Stewardess 

Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.

He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parent’s bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a porn starlet - screaming all manner of things. 

The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love. 

The dad looked all over the house and couldn't find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandma's room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma, just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, "What the f*ck are you doing?" To which Johnny replied "It's not so much fun when it's your mom eh?"

ewwwwwww

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

Quickies

Everyone should memorize 5 - 10 of the "Quick Joke" type. These are great when you have a lull in a conversation right after someone tells a good joke. They don't have to even be that funny, it is the fact that you rattle off 4 in a row that makes them funny.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
   A stick.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
   Frostbite.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
   A nervous wreck.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
   Right where you left him.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
   Because they have big fingers.


What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
   Dam!


Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
   Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

6 of 100

Making fun of people who are differently able is never polite, but it is usually funny:

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely 
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's 
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," 
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs 
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest 
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just 
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Sports:

The world of sports, with its larger then life personalities, rabid fan base, and interesting terminology lead to a slew of great jokes.


There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. 

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" 

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral." 

Fans in Green Bay!

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."
   
"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

Married to Tom Brady of the NE Patriots

Long jokes.

Some times a joke needs more details, when telling this joke is it best done in person with a lot of physical motions to exaggerate the action as it is happening.

A young man was gifted a classic Harley Davidson motor bike from his favorite uncle. When he gave him the keys though the uncle also handed him a tube of Vaseline and told him that if the bike was ever going to get wet he had to put a touch of jelly on the spark plugs to keep them from corroding.

All proud of his new bike he rides it over to his girlfriend’s house. He gets there just in time for supper but she is not happy about it, she has never invited him over for a proper meal and he finds out why. Her family has a rule that who ever talks first during the meal has to clean up. But it gotten a bit out of control and no one has talked during a meal for over 2 years… there are pots and pans, plates and bowls, stacked everywhere in the kitchen and hall way, even spilling out into the dining room!

He goes in and sits down to a nice meal with his girl, her mother and father, but the quiet is very disconcerting for him so he reaches over and takes his girls hand. She glances at him and her father glares at him but no one says anything. Next he leans over and kisses his girl right on the lips, her eyes open in surprise and her father looks very unhappy but again not a word. He realizes that this family is full of nutters and decides to see how crazy they are!

So he reaches over and starts to rub his girls boobs, still nothing. He reaches up her dress and pulls down her panties, lifts her up on the table and starts shagging her right there on the table. The mother and father look away but stills say NOTHING! He goes at her for all he is worth, and she doesn’t let out a peep.

He lets go of her and she lays back on the table, he walks around to the other side of the table and lifts the mom up, she looks shocked but he quickly has her panties down and is going a mile a minute at her as well! Still they say nothing as he works the mom as hard as he did the daughter.

Suddenly he notices out the window a flash of lighting, and fearing rain , drops the mom onto the table next to her daughter and grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket.

“FINE ALLREADY! Ill do the dam dishes” Roared the father!

Dont get mad, get even.

Everyone likes it when the under dog wins, when the down trodden get to "get back at" their oppressors.

A grandfather and his grandson were sitting on the porch when the grandfather grabs a beer and begins to drink it.

The grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

“Well no,” said the grandson.

“Then you’re not old enough to have a beer.” said grandpa.

A few minutes later, the grandfather pulls out a cigar and lights it up.

Grandson asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

“Can your dick touch your ass?” asks grandpa.

“No” said the grandson.

“Then you’re not old enough to have a cigar.”  

A little later the grandson comes walking out of the house with some cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey can I have a cookie?"

Grandson asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"

“Well, hell yeah”, said grandpa.

“Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!”

laugh old man, Laugh!

Gotcha!

These are my favorite type of jokes. They have a great surprise ending.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

Where are you going...

Sometimes for a joke to work you have to build up to it, the punch line should come right when the listener is starts to get confused as to what is going on...

A PENGUIN IS TAKING A ROAD TRIP WHEN HIS CAR BREAKS DOWN. LUCKILY FOR HIM, HE FINDS HIMSELF JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM A MECHANIC. SO, HE PUSHES HIS CAR TO THE SHOP AND ASKS THE MECHANIC TO TAKE A LOOK. THE MECHANIC TELLS HIM THAT IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND ASKS HIM TO COME BACK IN AN HOUR.
THE PENGUIN GOES OVER TO THE SUPERMARKET AND BUYS SOME FROZEN FISH AND SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH AND SPENDS THE REST OF THE HOUR HANGING OUT IN THE FROZEN FOODS SECTION. AFTER THE HOUR IS UP, HE WADDLES BACK OVER TO THE MECHANIC'S SHOP. SEEING HIM COMING, THE MECHANIC WALKS OVER, AND WIPING HIS HANDS ON A RAG, SAYS,"LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE JUST BLOWN A SEAL." THE PENGUIN BLUSHES, WIPES HIS BEAK WITH HIS FLIPPER AND SAYS, "NO, IT'S JUST SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM."

Sitting at the Bar

One of the best places to have a joke is in the bar. It is a place of magic where anything can happen! The problem is that it is almost always men who are in bad shape that go to the bar....


There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."




A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 3 shots of Tequila and a beer chaser. 
The bartender asks "What are we celebrating?" 
The man replies "I just had my first blow-job".
The bartender smiles and says, "Well, congratulations! Let me get you an additional shot of Tequila on the house!"
The man replies, "If 3 shots of Tequila and a beer chaser don't get this taste out of my mouth, I don’t think nothing will!”

2 groups:

The most common way to get "the funny" is to counter point 2 distinctly different groups. In this example we will use Jews and the Taliban.

A Taliban militant gets lost and is wandering around the desert looking for water. He finally arrives at a store run by a Jew and asks for water.

The Jewish vendor tells him he doesn't have any water but can gladly sell him a tie. The Taliban begins to curse and yell at the Jewish storeowner. The Jew, unmoved, offers the rude militant an idea: Beyond the hill, there is a restaurant; they can sell you water.

The Taliban keeps cursing and finally leaves toward the hill. An hour later he's back at the tie store. He walks in and tells the merchant: "Your brother tells me I need a tie to get into the restaurant."

What do you call...

A simple thing today:


What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the water? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on the kitchen floor? Linol.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves? Rustle.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the lion cage at the zoo? Fucked.

Say hi to Bob.

Poor Blond girls

The blond joke... It is sad when even blonds like to say "I was having a blond moment"

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

A blonde was woken up in the middle of the night to find her house alight. So she went straight to the phone and called 911. When they asked how do you we get to your house, she said "Duh...in the big red truck!"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

5 of 100 Inappropriate jokes

Not a joke for church:

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

nice gams ladies!

Knock Knock

The knock Knock joke is an all time classic, with millions of variables. It is also one of the first jokes kids learn to tell because of the simple premise.


Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
OK, W_H_O.


Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you and please cover your mouth next time.


Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just a joke.

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah way to open the door?

4 of 100 Inappropriate jokes

Giving people who are not from the same country as you a hard time is a common theme in humor, And whenever the economy declines it is the immigrants who take the biggest hit:

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, other language speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

Imagine if!

Self Depreciation.

I dont like it, but it will almost always get a laugh, Here is an ode to a Bad Marriage.

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."


"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."


"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"


"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

3 of 100 Inappropriate jokes

Any womens sporting event:


  A female athlete was taking steroids to improve her strength but she started noticing certain side effects. She went to the prescribing doctor and told him about all of the hair she was growing on her chest and she showed him the hair follicles around her breasts. "Well," replied the doctor, "how far down does this go?"
    "Oh, it goes down to my balls," she replied

You would still tap it...

Yo Mama

Popularized by black youth in the 70s and 80s yo mama jokes have become a mainstay in the adolescent development process.

Yo mama so poor

Yo mama so stupid

The basis of a yo mama joke is that it is both disparaging and from the point of view of a 10 - 16 year old. You can often make these funnier by breaking out of this norm.

Stephen Hawking

Another nice trick is to bring in elements of pop culture:

Yo mama so easy

Just remember that in the end every boy loves his mama.

2 of 100 Inappropriate jokes

At a bridal shower:

Why don’t women need a drivers license?..... Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bed room.

Awkward

The down fall of humor

Just like this!

The problem with being funny is that people expect you to always be "ON" The only way to do this is to either memorize about 100 completely inapropraite jokes or learn to improv...

I can help with both but lets start with inappropriate jokes:
At a baby shower:
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!

Make it your own

Even if you hear a joke in the 2nd or 3rd person it is often more fun to tell it in the first person...

I was sitting home alone one night when my phone rang,
It was the preacher from the church I went to on Christmas and Easter,
"Mike" he said, "We see that you make a fine living at the bank, head of a department and all, but our records show that you have never given so much as a dime to the church, we were wondering if you would like to help out the less fortunate?"
To which I replied, "Do your records show that my mother is ill and almost bankrupt from the medical bills, or that my brother is blind and out of work, or that my sisters husband died and left her almost penniless with 3 children!?"
"Ohh I am very sorry sir, we didn't know" He stammered.
"Ya, well if I wont help them what makes you think I would give you any thing!?"

The first joke

Why did the chicken cross the road?
.
.
To get to the other side!

-- It is classic, but if you tell it to anyone over the age of 10 they will not laugh, but there is a magical window between about age 6 and age 10 where they might not laugh, but if they don't, you can save your self with a come back joke...

Why did the frog cross the road?
.
.
It was stapled to the chicken!


So todays lesson is always have 2 jokes ready before you tell 1.