Funnyman

The problem with being the "funny one" amongst your friends is that you have to be able to be at least slightly funny on demand. This is not as easy as you might think. The fastest way to get out of an awkward social moment is to drop a joke, the more awkward the moment the less funny the joke has to be. [1] But yuo cant go telling a dead baby joke to your boss and your friends at the pub probably wont like your office supply joke so now you have to memorize enough jokes to get you through any social setting.
Thats what I am here for. To talk you through the theory behind jokes and the basic structure of the joke so you may be able to craft your own joke to suit any situation.

[1]This is called the "Thats what she said" Theory.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Bill Engvall - Here's Your Sign

Bill has made a career out of the stupid statements people make... I love his work and have used a few of these in my every day life... especially when the gold fish needs to go for a walk....


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."


One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hangar halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign.


It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
Bass Stringer
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor.
The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?"
I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."


I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
 I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."


I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am SOAKED. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign"
Look closely at this picture... 

19 comments:

  1. I can't count how many times I've heard the 'flat tire' question. I guess that means I need to stop buying retreads.

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  2. Lol thats comedy gold!... all my jokes are terible thats why i come here hehehe

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  3. Bill's pretty good, I saw him live in Vegas a few years ago... it was a good show.

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  4. hehehe the last one is my favorite too.

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  5. I personally don't like Bill, he's just not really all that creative. I'm also not a redneck so his jokes don't really appeal to me :p

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  6. Sometimes I miss Bill. But other times I remember getting fed up with the repeated "Here's your sign" tagline...same thing with the other guy's "You might be a redneck if..."

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  7. Ron White > Larry the Cable Guy >>> Jeff Foxworthy > Bill Engvall

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  8. Have never heard of him before, seems like funny dude.

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  9. I'm surprised you didn't mention any of his redneck material.

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  10. hahahah pretty good, thanks man

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  11. I don't really get the "Here's your sign " line, what's that mean?

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  12. Lol wow that was smart...

    and dam thats a lot of fish in that pic

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  13. here's your sign! haha. loved the gold fish walk joke. haha. the picture to go with it too! the best!

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