- "Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."
- A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
- The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
- Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
- Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
- Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
- Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
- I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The teacher shouts, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday!"
Who does not love Cliff Huxtable.
The problem with being the "funny one" amongst your friends is that you have to be able to be at least slightly funny on demand. This is not as easy as you might think. The fastest way to get out of an awkward social moment is to drop a joke, the more awkward the moment the less funny the joke has to be.  But yuo cant go telling a dead baby joke to your boss and your friends at the pub probably wont like your office supply joke so now you have to memorize enough jokes to get you through any social setting.
Thats what I am here for. To talk you through the theory behind jokes and the basic structure of the joke so you may be able to craft your own joke to suit any situation.
This is called the "Thats what she said" Theory.