The problem with being the "funny one" amongst your friends is that you have to be able to be at least slightly funny on demand. This is not as easy as you might think. The fastest way to get out of an awkward social moment is to drop a joke, the more awkward the moment the less funny the joke has to be. [1] But yuo cant go telling a dead baby joke to your boss and your friends at the pub probably wont like your office supply joke so now you have to memorize enough jokes to get you through any social setting.
Thats what I am here for. To talk you through the theory behind jokes and the basic structure of the joke so you may be able to craft your own joke to suit any situation.

[1]This is called the "Thats what she said" Theory.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Mitch Hedberg - Round 2

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, hey, hold on fellas! Lemme hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.

I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good."

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's.

By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spec-tac-u-lar." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame? ... It's a street! It's a open shit!
What the song is all about.


  1. Some of these jokes were golden, others, not so much...

  2. love mitch...too bad he's gone.

  3. Mitch is one of my all time favorites! Just reading his jokes doesn't do it justice, you had to see him perform them... he's the only dude that could pull this style off. RIP Mitch!

  4. I thought a few of these had no ending... no punch line. but I liked the waving at a guy with no hand thing. that was funny.

  5. Some of them are really funny, I don't know if it's just me but the first picture doesn't work.

  6. Meh, didn't care for this comedian's material

  7. Mitch Hedberg was a genius, died too soon man. His duck joke always makes me laugh.

  8. LOL! again. And the burger makes me hungry.

  9. Hahaha, got some really good ones this time :)

  10. I'm known as the "Blunt" friend, Telling it like it is since 1904.

  11. this guy is good, he has a very special sense of humor. most people don't like that, but I do.

  12. I loved that guy's delivery...when he spoke it was just funny :)

  13. Can never get to much Hedberg.

  14. always very funny!
    ..following :)


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