The problem with being the "funny one" amongst your friends is that you have to be able to be at least slightly funny on demand. This is not as easy as you might think. The fastest way to get out of an awkward social moment is to drop a joke, the more awkward the moment the less funny the joke has to be. [1] But yuo cant go telling a dead baby joke to your boss and your friends at the pub probably wont like your office supply joke so now you have to memorize enough jokes to get you through any social setting.
Thats what I am here for. To talk you through the theory behind jokes and the basic structure of the joke so you may be able to craft your own joke to suit any situation.

[1]This is called the "Thats what she said" Theory.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Jerry Seinfeld

The thing that made people love Jerry Seinfeld is that his jokes were the same things your friends would say... but your friend could pull a funny one out every few weeks. Jerry rattled 'em off non stop. Even with his NY City Jew voice people still loved him across the country.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. 
Ya, he man-scapes.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." 

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me 
the true true spirit of Christmas  ;)
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." 

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. 

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason 

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." 

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? 

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
F'ing chimp is blowing the curve!


  1. Hahaha give me more qoutes :D

  2. I love seinfeld. Just going through watching them all, I'm on season 6.

  3. Is Jerry just doing kiddie movies these days? And tabloids are hilarious.

  4. normally i just say all kinds of funny bullshit. the problem is, my pokerface during the process of telling makes other people think that im serious. and they even believe me sometimes and say smth like 'really? oh god, thats terrible' O_O

  5. Man, that Building joke really hit me hard for some reason

  6. Really enjoyed Seinfeld, the show had a very high class imo. One of the best sitcoms ever.

  7. Good jokes, last I saw, Seinfeld was on a game show about marriage.

  8. anything with seinfeld in it gets my approval

  9. I always liked Seinfeld's show better than his stand-up, even when he did it at the beginning and end of the episodes for a few seasons.

  10. Seinfeld is a comedic genius ;D

  11. Haven't watched Seinfeld in ages, i miss it

  12. Seinfeld was awesome, hope Curb comes back for another season with Jerry and Larry.

  13. Used to enjoy watching this show; still can't tell a joke, though.

  14. This was a good collection of quote. Jerry Seinfeld chest is scary though.


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