You Might Be A Redneck If:

Rednecks are easy to make fun of because they are so different then anything else in the world.

He is their poster boy!

-None of your shirts cover your stomach.
-You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
-You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
-You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
-Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

-You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
-You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
-You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
-You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
-You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

I feel bad for the dog... 

-You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
-You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
-You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
-Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
-The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
-Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
-The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Sometimes you have to tell a good story:

A pair of best friends were out for a girls night out and had a great time! Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.


The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Ya...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Prison style

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Everyone loves a good strip club.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.


She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.


When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.


As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"


"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."


He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."


The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Happy mail man

Blonde jokes #2

So the premise is: blondes are unintelligent and promiscuous.
(That means Stupid and Slutty for all the blondes reading this)


Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?


Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.


Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Bondi Blonde Beer

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.


Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!


Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Don't worry, you will get it right sooner or later. 

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.


Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

And she tried so HARD!

Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes a little self depreciation can endear you to an audience, but you should never have them laughing AT you... Unless you are the undisputed king of the schleps.


What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!


I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back!


When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."


I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."


Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.


I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Yo Mama

Popularized by black youth in the 70s and 80s yo mama jokes have become a mainstay in the adolescent development process.

Yo mama so poor

Yo mama so stupid

The basis of a yo mama joke is that it is both disparaging and from the point of view of a 10 - 16 year old. You can often make these funnier by breaking out of this norm.

Stephen Hawking

Another nice trick is to bring in elements of pop culture:

Yo mama so easy

Just remember that in the end every boy loves his mama.

Religion is to polarizing of a topic to escape!

When ever something is supposed to be taken seriously you will find people making fun of it...


A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay." 
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure." 
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not." 
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"




An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."




Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the table. 
And the Frank said:
"Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"

School ties...

Good jokes should have a common location that people can relate to. Sitcom stands for Situation comedy, and the common location is the "Situation". Schools make for a great situation.

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."




A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.




An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"




One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!